Throughout history, the oppressed haven’t merely sought equality with their oppressors, they sought power over them.
I’m paraphrasing something I heard a friend say which I believe is true. The idea of feminism certainly seems good; organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and equality. However, speaking as a female who grew up in the United States, I have not once experienced any kind of discrimination that I can recall that was proven to be because of my sex. I have in fact experienced special treatment/opportunities/privelidges for being female (and was told as much). Now am I just lucky? Or have things really changed? At least in this country, I fail to see how the idea that women are being surpressed and discriminated against is even still entertained. I think things have gone past the point of being balanced and tipped in the other direction. Men are the ones being discriminated against now. (If you want to see some shocking statistics on men’s issues, I’d suggest looking up The Red Pill, a documentary produced by ex-feminist film-maker Cassie Jaye.)
Argue with me all you want but the truth is out there: Women’s only events, clubs, special offers/discounts…men are told they’re not allowed to take part but no one can do anything about it if a woman wants to participate in anything for men because no one wants to deal with a lawsuit for “discriminating” against women. I believe that this idea that women are being oppressed and need to “fight for equality” is causing feminists (maybe not even consciously) to not only want equality but power over men. It doesn’t seem to matter if the days of women being oppressed by men is long gone.
I haven’t studied feminism in-depth, and apparently there are like 20 different types of feminism. I mostly wrote this based on human behaviors and belief systems that I’ve observed which seem to be connected to the feminist movement as a whole. Maybe some of these issues are only in line with a particular type of feminism, such as radical feminism (the group that views society as fundamentally a patriarchy where men dominate and oppress women), and I am generalizing more than I should. But my purpose is to open peoples’ eyes to what I’ve seen in case it can transform their relationships in positive ways like it did for me.
Here are the three biggest problems I see feminism causing in relationships:
Bad behavior is justified
Many of us are gender biased, but not in the way you might think. We see women as innocent until proven guilty, while we see men as guilty until proven innocent.
We see a woman hit a man, Look at her standing up for herself! I’m sure he deserved it. We cheer her on. People see a man hit a woman, That abusive asshole! We call the cops and hope he gets arrested for assault. I’m generalizing. Obviously not everyone sees things this way. But does anyone else think this is a problem?
Whether we think women are still being oppressed by men, or we think women are better than men, we think women’s behavior is justified. Women can get away with being mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to men. However, if men behave the same way not only are they viewed as assholes but they are more likely to be arrested and charged for things like domestic violence or sexual assault.
If women see themselves as victims it won’t matter how much disproving evidence the world throws at them. There will always be something to cry inequality about because that is how the mind works. When you strongly believe something and aren’t willing to open your mind to other options, all you can see is what you believe. Anything else you’re blind to.
It’s always the guy’s fault
If we think women’s problems are caused by men or “toxic masculinity,” who do you think gets blamed for problems in relationships? Not only do women blame the relationship’s problems on men, but I’ve seen some men take full responsibility for the problems, even when I don’t think they should. (Watch for this in Hollywood films and TV.) It doesn’t even matter who’s to blame, but if both parties don’t own up to their part in things and take responsibility for fixing them the relationship will stay out of balance. Women who are busy blaming men for problems see no need to take responsibility for making things better. And the worst part is, men who understand what’s really going on can’t call women out on any of this crap because they’ll get blamed and labeled as misogynistic or abusive.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I believe a feminist mindset is clashing with women’s ability and/or desire to be respectful toward men, and respect is essential for a healthy relationship.
According to relationship researcher, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D (author of Love and Respect: The Love She Desperately Craves, the Respect He Desperately Needs) men’s primary need in relationships is actually respect over love, while women’s is love over respect. Women treating men disrespectfully may be even more detrimental than we think to the health of our relationship. (By the way, the song “Respect” was originally written and sung by a man! See source.)
I hear women complaining about their male partners all the time and I see so much media about this, and I have to ask, why are we as a society so focused on men disrespecting women while ignoring the fact that women disrespect men as well? Do we want equality or not?
I have an app that helps you find popular hashtags and their ranking to use on social media. I found 212.9 thousand posts found with the hashtag “respectwomen,” along with many related hashtags such as “#respectwomensrights,” “#respectwomenprotectwomen,” “#respectwomenmemes,” etc. My app found zero posts with the hashtag “respectmen” and zero related hashtags.
We are demanding that men respect women, but why are we not demanding that women respect men?
Dr. John Gottman, a psychological researcher and clinician, studied divorce prediction and marriage stability for over 40 years and could predict breakups with 90 percent accuracy. One of the main determining factors he looked for was whether or not couples allowed an attitude of contempt to creep into their relationship.
Respect and contempt cannot coexist. When women respect the men they are with, magic happens. If you have a respectful attitude toward your male partner there’s no room for contempt to creep in. If he’s fulfilled it’s so much easier for him to fullfil your needs.
I know feminist women who are in conflict because they want a happy, healthy relationship and they love their man, but their mind is filled with stereotyped beliefs about guys that cause friction in their relationship. (Such as: Guys never understand, guys are bad at listening, guys are lazy, selfish, unsupportive, immature, etc.) Are these beliefs really true? Or are women just so latched onto these ideas that they can’t see anything else?
What is respect in action?
My theory is that some women are afraid that being respectful will put them in a position of weakness. If you treat him with respect it doesn’t mean you’ll lose power, control, or leverage in your relationship. If you do feel you need to have control, you may want to ask yourself why and if it’s really justified.
- Listening to your partner, without interrupting and without judging everything they say. Listen to understand where they’re coming from.
- Being considerate of preferences, likes, and dislikes they’ve expressed. If they’ve said they hate beets then don’t cook them beets on purpose.
- Giving space if they’ve asked for it
- Let them do things they want to do. You’re not their mother
- Try to let go of a need to control. The need for control is an illusion that comes from fear. Try to find out where the fear is coming from and if it’s justified.
- The way you speak to them. Imaging how you’d talk to someone who’s opinion you respected like your doctor or therapist… Now imagine how you talked to a younger sibling when they were annoying you… which way are you speaking to your partner?
Part 2. What being respectful does NOT mean
- Letting your partner always have their way. If you don’t speak up for what you want, you’re still disrespecting yourself.
- That you’re a weak, incapable female lacking confidence and self-esteem
- That you’ll lose power, leverage, or control in your relationship
- That you’ll enable your partner to treat you badly
My experience
My relationships with men changed for the better with this awareness. I don’t know if I would call myself a feminist in the past, but I certainly believed some things about men that turned out to be completely false! I used to have this crazy belief that men were tougher than women and therefore didn’t feel as much emotional pain. I also thought it was okay to treat my first boyfriend like crap and really pushed his limits by doing things like flirting with other guys in front of him, lying to him, and kissing his cousin behind his back. He never deserved any of it. You can’t take back actions you regret no matter how bad you want to. The only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes and use them to become a better person.
Summary
Even if feminism used to be about equality, it’s about power now. Believing that women are victims of men’s wrongdoings allows women’s bad behavior to be justified and even encouraged. If men are by default the ones to blame for problems in the relationship, it allows women to not take any responsibility in their part or in fixing things. To have a healthy relationship respect needs to go both ways. If men’s primary need in relationships is actually respect, even more than love, treating him disrespectfully could be even more harmful than we realize. Another problem with women treating men disrespectfully is it opens the door for contempt, a proven relationship killer. If you’re struggling to be respectful you may be afraid of losing power or control, or you may believe he doesn’t deserve it.
Final thoughts
Bashing men seems like the cool thing to do to do right now. I’d like to see it become cool again to stand up for your guy when he’s not there, be honest with him, and not put him down to his face or behind his back. Instead of seeing people cheer women on for abusing guys, I’d like to see women stand up and say, Stop treating guys like shit! I’d like to see women stop viewing themselves as victims in our society, and see things for the way they are. And I’d like to see women stop thinking they’re better than men, and acknowledge that both sexes have their strengths and their weaknesses. That’s why we’re all better off if we work together not against each other.
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