Tag: mental health

How to Listen to People’s Problems and Not Feel Drained
It is common for those of us who are intentionally growing to find friends seeking our advice or emotional support. We enjoy lifting others up around us but sometimes we feel drained after being a sounding board, even if we helped them feel better. How do we prevent this energy drain that often comes with being a good listener/advice-giver? Here are some of the best strategies I’ve picked up over the years.
1. First, find out exactly what your friend wants. Do they just want a listening ear for their venting? Or do they want advice to solve a problem? I learned this awesome tip from my husband. Encourage your friend to clarify this and it will decrease a lot of frustration and miscommunication. Sometimes they will say both and that’s okay too.
2. If you feel burnt out and your friend’s problem isn’t time-sensitive, tell them. If you’re not in a good place emotionally it will be hard to give them your full attention. Reschedule your talk or let them know when you feel up for it.

3. Try not to burden yourself by thinking you have to solve all their problems or change their emotional state. All of that is their responsibility. People who are naturally good at supporting, coaching, and empathizing with others also tend to fall into this trap. You make a huge difference by offering a listening ear, offering your genuine heartfelt advice, and by being mature enough not to insert your own drama into the discussion. Don’t think that if you’re not solving problems you’re not being helpful enough.

4. If you are simply aiming to listen and you notice you tend to bring up your own shit or try to solve their problems, focus on feeding back what they said to you in your own words (sometimes called Active Listening). This helps the other person feel understood and helps you stay on the same page. It will be obvious if there’s a misunderstanding, as you might say, “So you mean ______?” and they might reply, “No. I meant ______.” I learned about Active Listening when I was 18 and started using it. It made all my relationships ten times better! It seemed weird at first, but it has become second nature to the point where I forgot it was a skill I had to develop.

5. Use your intuition! If you have a strong thought about a personal experience or information you have relating to what your friend is saying don’t hold back from saying something. Things aren’t black and white. It’s not that you should NEVER give advice, but you should be tactful about when, how, and how much you do it. If you still doubt your decision-making you can always ask if your friend wants to hear it.

6. Do not base your value on how much you help others. Ultimately they have to want to help themselves. You’re not “successful” only if you help others solve their problems – just as you’re not a “failure” if you don’t. I know it sounds cliche, but you’re successful if you stay true to the person you want to be and give it your best shot.

If friends are coming to us regularly for help or a listening ear, it’s important to know how to keep our energy high – not just for our own well-being but also so we can be our best for those we care about. If you want to share any of your own tips besides the ones mentioned above, leave a comment below!

Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash
April 23, 2021
Self-worth and Emotional Pain (short post)

“Lack of self-worth is the fundamental source of all emotional pain. A feeling of insecurity, unworthiness and lack of value is the core experience of powerlessness.”
Gary Zukav & Linda Francis

I think on a more basic level emotional pain comes from the perception of lack and loss, or a fear of these things. Whether it’s a faulty perception of ourselves such as “I’m never good enough,” “I’m a failure,” etc, or from loss where were afraid we’ll never feel whole or be happy again.

These perceptions that cause our suffering aren’t permanent. We don’t stay stuck in them forever, but it can sometimes feel as though we will.

I believe these perceptions cause so much pain because they aren’t in alignment with our true nature on a spiritual level. We certainly feel powerless when we don’t recognize or accept or own value. It will cause recurring problems in relationships, mental health, and limit or careers and social lives as long as we keep believing and acting as though we don’t matter.

February 20, 2020
How to Protect Yourself From Other People’s Negativity

by Mandie

When I was a kid, it seemed like I felt pain more than anyone else around me. Not just physical pain, but emotional pain. I cried easily, over many things. I had an especially hard time when people were fighting around me, and I didn’t even have to be involved. I could feel the negative energy and felt upset and overwhelmed. I didn’t have a constructive way of handling it.

Maybe other people felt just as much pain as me and were simply better at not showing it. Or maybe they learned how to not let it get under their skin the way I did. I will never know. (I don’t believe being sensitive is a bad personality trait that we need to get rid of. It’s driven me to become good at relationships and communication and it’s in large part the reason why I have a compassionate and empathetic personality.)

For years I’ve searched for ways to maintain inner peace, or ways to stop mental and emotional chaos once it’s started.

Here are the most powerful lessons I’ve learned, broken down into five sections below:

1. The real source of our pain

Your thoughts and judgments cause emotional pain – not other people’s words or actions. I used to focus my attention on trying to get other people to change, or my environment to change, to make myself feel better. Although these things can influence how we feel, if we focus only on changing our surroundings and not ourselves, we’ll be playing a game we can never win. Eventually, I grasped the idea that trying to control another person’s behavior is impossible. I shifted my attention to the only thing I could control: myself.

Once I began researching this idea more in depth, I came to understand that not only is controlling someone else’s behavior impossible, it’s also pointless. Whatever problem we’re blaming them for really resides within our thinking.

Here’s what I mean: Two different people can witness the same interaction and perceive different levels of negativity in the exchange. This is due to our own unique set of beliefs through which we view the world.

“Negative” interactions can actually give us opportunities to change something profound in ourselves if we let them. If we perceive things as negative, we are affected negatively. If we perceive things as positive, or at least try to find a silver lining, we are affected positively.

2. Responsibility

Learning that my perceptions and judgments were the true source of my emotional pain is changed my outlook on life significantly. I learned I could influence how much or whether or not I suffered, and I no longer felt afraid of how others were going to act or how I was going to react.

It’s empowering knowing this. But, like Uncle Ben says in Spiderman, “…with great power comes great responsibility.” Once you understand that your interpretations of things matter more than whatever anyone else does, you can’t deny your responsibility – for the way you treat others, the way you treat yourself, and how happy or miserable you are.

It’s easier to blame other people than take responsibility for your inner peace. You feel better about yourself if you can blame others. You get to be the victim and receive attention from others for your suffering which makes you temporarily feel better. You can’t blame others for your suffering anymore. If you do, you’re lying to yourself.

“Accountability breeds response-ability.”
– Stephen R. Covey

3. The two selves: love and fear

I believe that we are more than our bodies and our minds. I believe we have some sort of soul, spirit, or higher consciousness that is beyond our bodies and minds that we have yet to fully understand.

This part of us is said to be our true self – which is pure unconditional love, creative, limitless, cannot be harmed, and never dies. In many spiritual schools of thought, this higher part of us is made up of the same energy that makes up the entire universe and binds everything together.

Some people call this part of us God, or at least say that it’s connected with God. However, when we are young and begin to develop language and understand our place in the world, our minds create an idea about who we think we are (called the Ego in psychology), and how we think the world works based on fear, lack, and limitation. We suffer because we believe the lies our mind creates and try to live as if they were true.

4. The more someone is hurting, the more hurtful they will usually act

Remember the last time you heard someone say something to you that hurt you? The truth is more than likely they were stressed out and/or upset. They were probably functioning from fear. If you reacted by feeling attacked/defensive and wanting to attack back, that means you let their fear pull you in so that you started operating from fear as well.

Albert Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created it.” You can’t solve fear with more fear. The only way to solve fear is to meet it with love. If you can recognize that when someone is attacking you they’re in a state of fear and then you respond from love instead of attacking back, you will help them as well as yourself.

Of course, you can still communicate to them how you felt about what happened and stick to your boundaries, and that doesn’t mean you’re coming from fear. It means you’re acknowledging the situation and having an honest dialogue to improve your relationship. Acting rude, cold, passive aggressive, or attacking back means you’ve let fear win.

“If you do not have control over your mouth, you will not have control over your future.”
– Germany Kent

5. Accept your emotions – don’t try to change them

Sometimes when I’d get upset about other people’s negativity, I would end up being more upset about how I felt about it than about what originally happened. Because I did not want to be so easily upset all the time, I would get upset with myself for feeling upset! As you can imagine that only made things worse. If you understand that your feelings can’t hurt you unless you stay in that negative state for a long time, you can accept them and move on much easier.

You can say to yourself, yes, I feel really pissed off and really upset about what happened and that’s okay. Your feelings will pass like clouds in the sky. When you don’t like how you feel, you try to make yourself feel differently. That’s when you get stuck. You’re trying to force your feelings away because you see them as being bad, and you will only feel worse and worse. Acknowledging that it’s okay to feel upset will lead to a much faster turnaround from your state.

What strategies do you use for handling other people’s negativity? Add your favorites in the comments!

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(Also published on Addicted2Success.com. Image credit: Unsplash)

November 27, 2019
The Paradox of Choice (short post)

“Indecision is the enemy of progress. Not saying ‘yes’ to one possibility is saying ‘no’ to them all.”
– Micheal Haggstrom

Have you heard of the Paradox of Choice? American Psychologist, Barry Schwartz (author of Why Less is More), says that although autonomy and freedom of choice is critical to our well-being, too many choices has a negative effect on us. Schwartz argues that the sheer number of choices we have to make in developed Western societies can lead to stress and even paralysis (inaction). Rather than choose “wrong” we don’t choose anything at all, because we’re afraid of missing out on a better experience.

We have way more options for material goods than ever before in history, we have unlimited access to information via the internet, we have so many more career and lifestyle options as well… I think the Paradox of Choice is a great thing to keep in mind to make sure we don’t fall victim to our own inaction. Maybe the solution is to get clear on our goals and priorities in life, to make it easier for us to make decisions and take action without dwelling on the what-ifs or fear of missing out.

November 21, 2019
Stressed Out? Here Are 7 of the Most Effective Strategies for Centering Yourself

By Mandie

We all know what it feels like to be stressed out. Our mind races, we feel overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, and sometimes depressed. Small problems tip us over the edge because we haven’t got all our other problems “under control.” We just don’t want to deal with life anymore. I had a tendency to get easily overwhelmed and have worked hard to improve my ability to handle stress.

Here are the 7 strategies that have proven to work best for me over the years:

1. Determine if you’re stressed about something you CAN change, or something you CAN’T change

You should be able to know which kind of stress it is with a little bit of reflection. By knowing this, you can proceed with handling the stress more effectively. Is it one thing you’re afraid of? Is it one problem that seems insurmountable? Are you overwhelmed with too much on your plate? Or do you feel stuck and unable to change an undesired situation?

2. Don’t make excuses. TAKE ACTION!

Don’t complain if you’re not going to take any steps toward changing your situation. Don’t make excuses or put off doing things that could help you. Don’t listen to your thoughts that say there’s no point in trying.

Make a plan of action. f you’re stressed because of an unknown, figure out a way to get more information. If you’re afraid of not having enough money, figure out how you might be able to make more.

I like to write to-do lists in my phone where I can check things off, and write down events and reminders to call people etc. in my phone’s calendar with reminders turned on. Prioritize and be realistic about what you can accomplish. If you try to take on too many tasks you won’t accomplish any of them.

Follow through on your plan: Set a reminder or alarm in your phone if that’s what it takes.

Reevaluate: If things change and you either can’t follow through on your plan or it’s no longer applicable, go back and make a new plan of action.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl

3. If there’s nothing you can physically do, adjust your mindset

Sometimes what you’re feeling stressed about is outside of your control. If that’s the case, there is still one thing you can change, your perception.

4. Know the real cause of stress

The real cause of stress is not actually what’s happening in your life, it’s what’s happening in your mind. Often, we blame other people and things that happen as the source of our stress, but the truth is those things are not the real culprit. How you perceive things (what you think about everything), is the real source of your stress. Sure, some things are harder or easier to get stressed about. But if you understand stress comes from your mind, it’s easier to handle when a stressful situation is outside your control.

5. Don’t resist your thoughts and feelings

When you resist what is, you suffer. If you criticize yourself, fight your thoughts and feelings, or worry about feeling stressed, you will only feel worse. Stress can actually be a motivator for making positive change. Try to accept the fact that you feel stressed, and use it to your advantage instead of resisting how you feel.

6. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of?

If you want to know the real underlying source of your stress, look for what scares you the most. Stress is really fear in disguise. We feel fear, or stress, when we are afraid of losing something. It doesn’t have to be loss of anything obvious or physical – it could be loss of security, loss of love, loss of respect or status, loss of freedom, etc.

After you’ve determined what you’re afraid of, examine that fear to see how realistic it actually is. Fear does not come from the rational part of our minds. Many fears are over embellished and unrealistic once we put them in the light of truth. Think of as many things as you can, that you know are true, that disprove your fear.

7. Don’t force yourself to think positively

You’ve probably heard about how positive thinking is good for you. Yet, maybe you’ve noticed times where you just can’t do it. Trying to think positively when I’m stressed never works for me. Trying to change my thinking from one extreme to another only frustrates me. I’m not saying positive thinking is bad, but I think doing it consciously has its time and place.

I think feeling stressed indicates something that needs adjusting in your life or in your mind. If you only try to think positively instead of investigating why you feel how you feel, you may miss opportunities for growth and change.

“Ten years from now, you’ll laugh at whatever’s stressing you out today. So why not laugh now?”
Tony Robbins

When you feel stressed, first determine whether things are inside or outside of your control. If you can physically do something, make a plan and take action! When stressors are outside of your control, remember that the real cause of stress is what’s happening in your mind in response to life. Don’t resist your thoughts and feelings.

Try to accept how you feel and use stress as motivation. Explore your fears that may be behind your stress and then disprove them. Don’t force yourself to think positively without first addressing the reason you are stressed.

What strategy works best for you when it comes to handling stress? Let me know in the comments below!

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(Also published on Addicted2Success.com. Image credit: Unsplash)

April 29, 2019
5 Things That Kill Your Self-Esteem and How to Overcome Them

By Mandie

Does self-doubt or insecurity often hold you back from doing things you want to do? Do you feel like everyone is judging you? Do you always blame yourself when things go wrong, or have trouble making decisions for fear of upsetting people? These are all effects of low self-esteem.

All your actions and choices in life reflect how you perceive yourself. Low self-esteem doesn’t lead you to success, happiness, or healthy relationships. It leads to self-sabotage, settling for low standards, and suffering.

But your self-esteem is not fixed.

I used to not feel good about myself in certain aspects of my life, and I worked hard to change that. Here are my top five self-esteem killers that have come to light over the years.

1. Believing Your Negative Self-talk

Everyone has negative self-talk. Sometimes thoughts like: I’m not good enough, I’ll never succeed, so what’s the point in trying?, No one cares about what I think, or I’m not worth anyone’s time fill your mind.

It’s not the self-talk that’s actually the problem though. Believing that mental B.S. is! We think millions of thoughts every day, and we know that those thoughts are not all 100 percent truth. But for some reason when it comes to negative thoughts about ourselves, many of us buy right in!

The trick to managing your negative self-talk is learning to become aware of your thoughts. Then you can practice acknowledging them and reassuring yourself that they’re not true.

2. Avoiding Challenges

The more you’re willing to accept challenges and push yourself out of your comfort zone, the faster your self-esteem will grow.

The more I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in work and in life, and took on challenging tasks (mental or physical), the more confident I became. Your proving to yourself that you can do this! At first things may feel very uncomfortable, but you learn fast.

Often people avoid challenges because they’re afraid of failing, of being embarrassed, or of what other people will think.

But if you do, you’re not fueling your self-esteem and you miss out on that fulfilling sense of accomplishment.

3. Dishonesty

I used to be continually dishonest to myself and others. It was a habit I wasn’t even aware of. My motivation was to keep people happy/avoid upsetting them. I would have continued along this path had my husband not discovered it.

I had complained of not thinking highly of myself, and he thought that the self-esteem and dishonesty were connected. He was right, and after I changed this habit my self-esteem definitely increased.

Like the negative self-talk, the first step in changing this is becoming aware. Try to pay attention to what you’re thinking, what you’re saying and doing, and see if these align with the kind of person you want to be.

4. Doing What’s Easy Instead of What’s Right

In other words, having integrity. I found that, like dishonesty, not having integrity can kill your self-esteem. Be the person you want to be, no matter whether or not someone is looking — especially when it’s not easy.

Even if no one else is judging you, you are judging yourself.

Establish a set of values for yourself as far as who you want to be. Then next time you’re faced with a tough decision ask yourself what your motives are for each course of action you’re considering.

One course may keep others happy but isn’t in line with your values, another course may piss people off but match your values, and sometimes there’s too much grey area for it to be easy to tell what the right choice is. You have to look at the big picture, and take your values into account along with the impacts of your actions/choices on yourself and others.

5. Not Speaking Up

I’m a master at this one (but I’m working on it)! The truth is, you don’t ask for help or support when you need it you’re not doing yourself or those around you any favors. You are telling yourself that you deserve to suffer (through your silence), and you’re making others suffer cause they don’t like to see you struggle and not know how to help.

Maybe you don’t want to be a burden, or you think you don’t deserve help, but it’s just not true. If you want to boost your self-esteem, you must act in alignment with the self-confident version of you. The version of you that knows you’re worth all the love and support that you would give to someone else.

Summary

Self-esteem can determine your success and happiness in love and life. But if it’s low it can be changed. Don’t believe your negative self-talk, go conquer those challenges, be honest with yourself and with others, do what you know is right, especially when it’s not easy, and speak up when you need help or support. Keep doing things that affirm your competency. Train yourself that you are worth it. Because you are.

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April 29, 2019
5 Happiness Blocking Lies You May Be Believing

by Mandie

Happiness…You want it. I want it. We all want it. But how many of us truly know how to attain it? The search for happiness motivates people from all walks of life to do all kinds of things – quit a job, change spouses, move, have a family, buy a new car, or start a new hobby. In contrast, the belief that happiness cannot be attained motivates people to take measures as extreme as committing suicide.

Some of us are fortunate enough to discover truths about what brings happiness, but many of us are living out our lives with false ideas about happiness stuck in our brains and we never stop to examine whether or not these are true.

The First Lie: Wanting happiness is selfish

The first misconception that gets in the way of being happy is the belief that wanting happiness is selfish. Some of us think we don’t deserve to be happy. We think that putting others above ourselves at the cost of our own needs will make us happy and better people.

But this is backward! If we are not fulfilling our own happiness, how can we have the energy to share happiness with others?

The Dalai Lama, arguably one of the top experts on happiness in the world, agrees in his book, The Art of Happiness:

“…survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to be most self-focused and are often socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic. Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, and creative and are able to tolerate life’s daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And, most important, they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people.”

The more we allow ourselves to be happy, the more happiness we can share with others.

The Second Lie: Happiness comes from things outside of us

If you believe that events, situations, other people, and objects cause your happiness (or lack of it) then your life will be stressful! You will try to control things and people in your life so that you will be happy.

The problem with this approach may be obvious: you can’t control things and people in your life, at least not one-hundred percent of the time. And because you can’t succeed, you’ll live in fear of what bad thing is going to happen next, of how others are going to treat you, and of your own emotions.

What does cause happiness then? The root cause of emotion is arguably our thoughts. Try thinking about something that makes you happy, and not feeling happy. Can you do it? Neither can I. It is equally impossible to think about something that you dread and not feel miserable. The Dalai Lama put it this way, “happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.”

Abraham Lincoln may have been wiser than even he gave himself credit for. He understood this idea as well, as this famous quote illustrates:

“We can complain that rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”

He also stated that,

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Who knew that the Dalai Lama and Abraham Lincoln shared the same philosophy?

You get to choose how you see the world. That doesn’t just go for rose bushes; it goes for events, situations, people, or anything you encounter in life.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
– Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

The Third Lie: Our happiness is not our responsibility

Because you now know that the way you think about things creates your happiness, taking responsibility for your happiness is essential. If you don’t, you’re right back where you started — waiting for, hoping for, and attempting to control everything outside yourself to make you happy. It’s like flushing your winning lottery ticket down the toilet. No longer is it totally accurate for you to say, “You made me mad” to your loved one. They may have made it easy for you to be mad, but it was your perception that ultimately caused your emotion. That is taking responsibility for your happiness.

The Fourth Lie: We are our minds

Another misconception that blocks our happiness is thinking that our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas along with our bodies are all that we are. We are more than our minds and bodies. We have a soul, a spirit, a higher-self, a consciousness, whatever you like to call it. You can confirm its existence by asking yourself one question:

If I am but a body and mind, yet I can observe my mind…who then, is doing the observing?

Without the awareness of this separation we can allow ourselves to become victims of our minds. Our minds play games with us and sabotage us: I’m incompetent…I’m so ugly…I’m an idiot…I’m never good enough! Sound familiar? In contrast, the part of us that is separate from our minds is loving, trusting, inspiring, wise, and confident. If we have no awareness that the lies our mind tells us are separate from our true selves, we can get sucked into believing the lies.

The Fifth Lie: It doesn’t hurt us to live incongruently

Many people don’t realize that 1) They are living incongruently, and 2) That living congruently matters. What I mean by living “congruently” is living where what you value, what you say, and how you act match up. When these things don’t match up, you can struggle with self-worth issues.

It’s hard to be happy when you don’t feel good about yourself. Deep down, a part of us seems to know when we’re not being true to ourselves. But if you change your words and actions to match your values, you give your old beliefs no ground to stand on.

Summary

If you want happiness, start by ditching these false beliefs. Remind yourself that 1) wanting happiness isn’t selfish because you can spread more good in the world when you’re happy. 2) Don’t be a victim by believing that the world outside you dictates your inner state; take back your power by knowing that your perception dictates your inner state. 3) Treat your power with responsibility. That may mean you try to stop blaming other people and events for your unhappiness. 4) When you hear that voice in your head putting you down and doubting you, remember that you are not your mind. You have a higher spiritual self, that is the real you, and is separate from your fearful mind. And 5) Work on aligning your values, your words, and your actions, and you’ll be well on your way to being the happiest person you know.

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Photo credit: Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

April 26, 2019
Life is a Balancing Act (short post)

Like holding a pose in dance or gymnastics, where muscles are micro-firing to keep us in alignment, we need to be constantly making adjustments in life to keep ourselves centered. I’ve been thinking lately about how important balance in life for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being… and how much more I value it than I used to. I was a dancer and a gymnast, and when I was balancing in a pose I appeared still to onlookers, but little muscles throughout my entire body were firing – different ones engaging and disengaging in milliseconds. It’s the same in life. Things are constantly changing around us and we’re tweaking and adjusting things constantly to maintain balance.

You know when you’re out of balance – you feel terrible. And you might not be out of balance for the reason(s) you think. Everything affects everything else. Diet affects mental state, not just your physical appearance. You can meditate but still struggle with anxiety because your diet is crap. You could eat well but still feel drained all the time because you’re not exercising enough. Even things that are “healthy” can be bad for you in excess. Keep all aspects in mind when pursuing health in any form. Look at the big picture. Pay attention to how you feel and try making changes and see how you feel.

March 7, 2019

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