Tag: self-help

5 Things That Kill Your Self-Esteem and How to Overcome Them

By Mandie

Does self-doubt or insecurity often hold you back from doing things you want to do? Do you feel like everyone is judging you? Do you always blame yourself when things go wrong, or have trouble making decisions for fear of upsetting people? These are all effects of low self-esteem.

All your actions and choices in life reflect how you perceive yourself. Low self-esteem doesn’t lead you to success, happiness, or healthy relationships. It leads to self-sabotage, settling for low standards, and suffering.

But your self-esteem is not fixed.

I used to not feel good about myself in certain aspects of my life, and I worked hard to change that. Here are my top five self-esteem killers that have come to light over the years.

1. Believing Your Negative Self-talk

Everyone has negative self-talk. Sometimes thoughts like: I’m not good enough, I’ll never succeed, so what’s the point in trying?, No one cares about what I think, or I’m not worth anyone’s time fill your mind.

It’s not the self-talk that’s actually the problem though. Believing that mental B.S. is! We think millions of thoughts every day, and we know that those thoughts are not all 100 percent truth. But for some reason when it comes to negative thoughts about ourselves, many of us buy right in!

The trick to managing your negative self-talk is learning to become aware of your thoughts. Then you can practice acknowledging them and reassuring yourself that they’re not true.

2. Avoiding Challenges

The more you’re willing to accept challenges and push yourself out of your comfort zone, the faster your self-esteem will grow.

The more I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in work and in life, and took on challenging tasks (mental or physical), the more confident I became. Your proving to yourself that you can do this! At first things may feel very uncomfortable, but you learn fast.

Often people avoid challenges because they’re afraid of failing, of being embarrassed, or of what other people will think.

But if you do, you’re not fueling your self-esteem and you miss out on that fulfilling sense of accomplishment.

3. Dishonesty

I used to be continually dishonest to myself and others. It was a habit I wasn’t even aware of. My motivation was to keep people happy/avoid upsetting them. I would have continued along this path had my husband not discovered it.

I had complained of not thinking highly of myself, and he thought that the self-esteem and dishonesty were connected. He was right, and after I changed this habit my self-esteem definitely increased.

Like the negative self-talk, the first step in changing this is becoming aware. Try to pay attention to what you’re thinking, what you’re saying and doing, and see if these align with the kind of person you want to be.

4. Doing What’s Easy Instead of What’s Right

In other words, having integrity. I found that, like dishonesty, not having integrity can kill your self-esteem. Be the person you want to be, no matter whether or not someone is looking — especially when it’s not easy.

Even if no one else is judging you, you are judging yourself.

Establish a set of values for yourself as far as who you want to be. Then next time you’re faced with a tough decision ask yourself what your motives are for each course of action you’re considering.

One course may keep others happy but isn’t in line with your values, another course may piss people off but match your values, and sometimes there’s too much grey area for it to be easy to tell what the right choice is. You have to look at the big picture, and take your values into account along with the impacts of your actions/choices on yourself and others.

5. Not Speaking Up

I’m a master at this one (but I’m working on it)! The truth is, you don’t ask for help or support when you need it you’re not doing yourself or those around you any favors. You are telling yourself that you deserve to suffer (through your silence), and you’re making others suffer cause they don’t like to see you struggle and not know how to help.

Maybe you don’t want to be a burden, or you think you don’t deserve help, but it’s just not true. If you want to boost your self-esteem, you must act in alignment with the self-confident version of you. The version of you that knows you’re worth all the love and support that you would give to someone else.

Summary

Self-esteem can determine your success and happiness in love and life. But if it’s low it can be changed. Don’t believe your negative self-talk, go conquer those challenges, be honest with yourself and with others, do what you know is right, especially when it’s not easy, and speak up when you need help or support. Keep doing things that affirm your competency. Train yourself that you are worth it. Because you are.

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April 29, 2019
5 Happiness Blocking Lies You May Be Believing

by Mandie

Happiness…You want it. I want it. We all want it. But how many of us truly know how to attain it? The search for happiness motivates people from all walks of life to do all kinds of things – quit a job, change spouses, move, have a family, buy a new car, or start a new hobby. In contrast, the belief that happiness cannot be attained motivates people to take measures as extreme as committing suicide.

Some of us are fortunate enough to discover truths about what brings happiness, but many of us are living out our lives with false ideas about happiness stuck in our brains and we never stop to examine whether or not these are true.

The First Lie: Wanting happiness is selfish

The first misconception that gets in the way of being happy is the belief that wanting happiness is selfish. Some of us think we don’t deserve to be happy. We think that putting others above ourselves at the cost of our own needs will make us happy and better people.

But this is backward! If we are not fulfilling our own happiness, how can we have the energy to share happiness with others?

The Dalai Lama, arguably one of the top experts on happiness in the world, agrees in his book, The Art of Happiness:

“…survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to be most self-focused and are often socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic. Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, and creative and are able to tolerate life’s daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And, most important, they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people.”

The more we allow ourselves to be happy, the more happiness we can share with others.

The Second Lie: Happiness comes from things outside of us

If you believe that events, situations, other people, and objects cause your happiness (or lack of it) then your life will be stressful! You will try to control things and people in your life so that you will be happy.

The problem with this approach may be obvious: you can’t control things and people in your life, at least not one-hundred percent of the time. And because you can’t succeed, you’ll live in fear of what bad thing is going to happen next, of how others are going to treat you, and of your own emotions.

What does cause happiness then? The root cause of emotion is arguably our thoughts. Try thinking about something that makes you happy, and not feeling happy. Can you do it? Neither can I. It is equally impossible to think about something that you dread and not feel miserable. The Dalai Lama put it this way, “happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.”

Abraham Lincoln may have been wiser than even he gave himself credit for. He understood this idea as well, as this famous quote illustrates:

“We can complain that rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”

He also stated that,

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Who knew that the Dalai Lama and Abraham Lincoln shared the same philosophy?

You get to choose how you see the world. That doesn’t just go for rose bushes; it goes for events, situations, people, or anything you encounter in life.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
– Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

The Third Lie: Our happiness is not our responsibility

Because you now know that the way you think about things creates your happiness, taking responsibility for your happiness is essential. If you don’t, you’re right back where you started — waiting for, hoping for, and attempting to control everything outside yourself to make you happy. It’s like flushing your winning lottery ticket down the toilet. No longer is it totally accurate for you to say, “You made me mad” to your loved one. They may have made it easy for you to be mad, but it was your perception that ultimately caused your emotion. That is taking responsibility for your happiness.

The Fourth Lie: We are our minds

Another misconception that blocks our happiness is thinking that our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas along with our bodies are all that we are. We are more than our minds and bodies. We have a soul, a spirit, a higher-self, a consciousness, whatever you like to call it. You can confirm its existence by asking yourself one question:

If I am but a body and mind, yet I can observe my mind…who then, is doing the observing?

Without the awareness of this separation we can allow ourselves to become victims of our minds. Our minds play games with us and sabotage us: I’m incompetent…I’m so ugly…I’m an idiot…I’m never good enough! Sound familiar? In contrast, the part of us that is separate from our minds is loving, trusting, inspiring, wise, and confident. If we have no awareness that the lies our mind tells us are separate from our true selves, we can get sucked into believing the lies.

The Fifth Lie: It doesn’t hurt us to live incongruently

Many people don’t realize that 1) They are living incongruently, and 2) That living congruently matters. What I mean by living “congruently” is living where what you value, what you say, and how you act match up. When these things don’t match up, you can struggle with self-worth issues.

It’s hard to be happy when you don’t feel good about yourself. Deep down, a part of us seems to know when we’re not being true to ourselves. But if you change your words and actions to match your values, you give your old beliefs no ground to stand on.

Summary

If you want happiness, start by ditching these false beliefs. Remind yourself that 1) wanting happiness isn’t selfish because you can spread more good in the world when you’re happy. 2) Don’t be a victim by believing that the world outside you dictates your inner state; take back your power by knowing that your perception dictates your inner state. 3) Treat your power with responsibility. That may mean you try to stop blaming other people and events for your unhappiness. 4) When you hear that voice in your head putting you down and doubting you, remember that you are not your mind. You have a higher spiritual self, that is the real you, and is separate from your fearful mind. And 5) Work on aligning your values, your words, and your actions, and you’ll be well on your way to being the happiest person you know.

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Photo credit: Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

April 26, 2019
6 Books That Showed Me a Path to Enlightenment

By Mandie

I LOVE this book. If you feel stuck or restless in your life, you want to know what your purpose is, or you’re not sure what to believe in and wonder if there’s more to life than your every-day experiences, then this book is for you.

This book is written as an adventure story. The main character travels to Peru on a mission to recover an ancient manuscript that is in danger of being destroyed by the local government. The manuscript is separated into nine pieces, each describing an insight into human spirituality.

The manuscript describes the spiritual awakening of humanity, where this awakening will lead our evolvement as human beings, how we can connect with universal energy and consciously use this connection to advance our personal growth, resolve conflicts in relationships, help others reach their potential, and more.

The wisdom in this book is used by both my husband and I in our every-day lives. The book is a staple in our collection because we’ve both benefitted so much from it.

The slogan of this book is “a book that changes lives” and it’s true! This book is part autobiography and part fiction. The book is set during the author’s college-days, when he was a world-class gymnast succeeding at life yet miserable, angry, and depressed. Dan’s life changes when he meets an old man working as a gas station attendant who becomes his spiritual teacher.

This book explains how we trap ourselves with the illusions of our minds, and as the old man (who goes by Socrates) teaches Dan how to unlearn what he has learned, and learn a new way to be present, at peace, and happy, we follow along and learn too.

This book goes super in-depth about the mind and the illusions our mind fools us into believing. It will blow your socks off. You may want to read a little at a time to let the information fully sink in. My husband refers to this book, along with The Celestine Prophecy, as his bibles.

Applying the information in this book definitely changed my relationships with all the men in my life for the better! This book brings to light a crucial difference in men’s and women’s emotional needs: Men primarily want RESPECT over love, while women primarily want LOVE over respect. The book also explains how to break free of the power struggles couples get stuck in and keep your relationship stable and healthy.

The author found this love and respect principle in the form of a bible verse. He believed that the verse was meant to be taken literally, and its importance had been overlooked. When he started teaching it to the couples he counseled, and saw dramatic changes take place – it even saved marriages. It may sound cheesy, but the love and respect principle proves itself to be true and EXTREMELY valuable. The information is not just valuable for couples either, and can help anyone better understand and communicate with the opposite sex.

According to Time Magazine, Byron Katie is “[a] spiritual innovator for the new millennium.”

In her 30s, Byron Katie was severely depressed, suicidal, and was often unable to leave her bedroom. Then one morning she had a life changing realization:

“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being.”
– Byron Katie, thework.com

The book describes a self inquiry method known as “The Work” designed to help us end mental and emotional suffering. I did not actually read this book, but when I was going through a particularly rough time emotionally, my husband printed out the self-inquiry work sheets for me to do. Now, I already knew about how we shouldn’t believe all the negative shit our mind tells us, and doing “The Work” still blew-my mind!

This helped me feel at peace with myself, and freed up so much of the mental and emotional struggling I was going through. I’d highly recommend it to anyone, particularly if you struggle with guilt, anxiety, fear, worry, and anger.

This book changed my life because it describes two different types of mindsets people have, which determines if we are more apt to struggle or succeed in school, work, sports, or anything else we do in life.

The two mindsets are about how we view ourselves and our abilities. A person with a Growth Mindset believes that their skills and abilities aren’t set in stone; that they can improve anything if they work at it. They tend to use negative experiences to learn, grow, and become successful. A person with a Fixed Mindset believes their skills and abilities are set in stone. This results in them feeling like their skills and abilities determine their value as a person, so when they fail to meet performance expectations they’re too busy feeling worthless to be able to think about how they can learn from the experience.

I realized that I tend to have a fixed mindset and that’s why I struggle so much when I fail to live up to my (high) performance standards. This book helped me understand myself better, get past my setbacks faster, and learn from my experiences. If you want to succeed at anything in life and stop feeling shitty about yourself, get this book!

Parent Effectiveness Training is full of techniques on how to listen better, how to talk so that your kids will listen, and how to solve problems. It also has diagrams that I found helpful for understanding the concepts.

Although I was not a parent when I read this at about age 19, I got SO much value and practical, usable information from this book! It changed my life by changing how I viewed relationships and communication and by giving me the tools I needed to help make my relationships thrive.

The stuff works! I started communicating differently in my relationships and with the kids I babysat and there was less misunderstanding, less power struggles, and more happiness. I still use the methods today to talk with or resolve conflicts with my husband or anyone else in my life.

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April 26, 2019

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